My favorite Chuck Norrisisms

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris' urine stream is easily capable of spot-welding titanium.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.